Last night's weather reports were troubling, we planned to drive to Greensboro today; so we made a decision before going to bed: to not go if it was raining this morning. I awoke at 6 a.m. this morning and it was not raining. I waited 45 minutes before waking Reggie and it still had not rained; I listened to the weather reports and since they were not as dire as last night, we dressed and prepared to drive to Greensboro.
At 8:15 a.m., I went to get the car and felt first drops of rain, so I asked God to hold up the rain until we were on the road, but by the time I pulled the car in front of the door, it was raining! Reggie came out, saw and felt the rain and turned to go back into the house. Still determined, I rolled the car window down and said I was going to Greensboro.
Well about 2 miles from our house, the skies opened up and there were a few places on the winding, rural road where visibility was difficult, making the driving very stressful.
That was God reminding me that I had made a vow four and a half years ago and another one last night, but yet I was still trying to do my own thing! I then acknowledged to God, that I needed to stop and go back, not because my husband said so, but because it was the wise thing to do. I would have been miserable, plus endangering myself and others, driving through scattered torrential rains for two hours.
So, I called Reggie and told him I was coming back and he said, "God answered my prayers."
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Cast of Characters … Cheek-Garnes Reunion
As I noted earlier, my maternal biological grandmother was Matilda Snow Cheek Russell. She was the daughter of Nathaniel Augustus Cheek, Sr and Annie Garnes Cheek.
After Ann Marie retired from the US Post Office in 1995, she decided it was time for me to get to know some of my biological relatives.
Thanksgiving weekend 1996, I convinced my friend Reggie (now my husband), to go with me to North Carolina to meet the relatives. During that weekend, I attended my first Cheek-Garnes Family Reunion. Most of the people there had not known that Ann Marie had had a child … and there I was, a full grown daughter that Ann Marie knew and was now introducing to everyone as her daughter.
I returned home to Boston, amazed that the weekend had gone well. The people I met were all open and loving and welcomed me with open arms.
Since then, I have attended two other Cheek-Garnes Reunions, one in 2004 and one in 2008 (reunions are every 2 years during Thanksgiving weekend). At each one I have met more people and at each one I continue to feel their love and support.
In addition to the Russells mentioned a few essays back, I have an extended biological family on my grandmother’s side that includes the following families: Cheek, Garnes, Odim, Belle, Hairston, Ephraim, Carroll, Clements, Fogg, Nicholson, Russell and at least 20 other family names.
After Ann Marie retired from the US Post Office in 1995, she decided it was time for me to get to know some of my biological relatives.
Thanksgiving weekend 1996, I convinced my friend Reggie (now my husband), to go with me to North Carolina to meet the relatives. During that weekend, I attended my first Cheek-Garnes Family Reunion. Most of the people there had not known that Ann Marie had had a child … and there I was, a full grown daughter that Ann Marie knew and was now introducing to everyone as her daughter.
I returned home to Boston, amazed that the weekend had gone well. The people I met were all open and loving and welcomed me with open arms.
Since then, I have attended two other Cheek-Garnes Reunions, one in 2004 and one in 2008 (reunions are every 2 years during Thanksgiving weekend). At each one I have met more people and at each one I continue to feel their love and support.
In addition to the Russells mentioned a few essays back, I have an extended biological family on my grandmother’s side that includes the following families: Cheek, Garnes, Odim, Belle, Hairston, Ephraim, Carroll, Clements, Fogg, Nicholson, Russell and at least 20 other family names.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thanksgiving Conundrum … Fake Leftovers
Yes, we all said thanks yesterday, because no matter what our situation, we know that it was through the grace of God, that our situations were not worse.
After saying thanks … it is all about the food. I love to entertain and I love to cook, however, since moving to rural NC in 2005, I have lost my desire to ever hostess another Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey is too cumbersome (little turkeys need not apply); the zillion side dishes; the dessert table left with half-eaten desserts; and the dreaded clean up. That’s right, I never want to do it again!
I still want to eat a good meal, so two options work for me:
1. Going to a good restaurant; tons of food and I did not have to cook it,
2. Going to friends, just as good, especially if they are good cooks. Again, tons of food and I did not have to cook it – that’s what we did yesterday.
In theory this works, but there is one small problem: no leftovers! The best part of Thanksgiving is the refrigerator full of comfort food leftovers. God bless the Huffington Post for providing two recipes last week that will help me with this year’s fake leftovers. Perfect leftovers include at least one specialty recipe and gravy to go with the turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. Terrible leftovers include jelled and/or whole berry canned cranberry sauce.
The first recipe was for Cranberry Conserve: a mixture of cranberries, pecans, cinnamon, orange juice and zest. I made this on Monday and placed in the refrigerator to wait until after Thanksgiving. We had a big spoonful in our oatmeal this morning, replacing the normal fruit and nuts.
The second recipe was for Greatest Gravy … Ever. It starts with turkey wings and ends with onions, carrots and celery; all to be set aside, so the broth can be made into gravy. I salvaged the discards and renamed them, leftovers. I will make the gravy tonight for dinner.
Another year of fake leftovers is off to a good start.
After saying thanks … it is all about the food. I love to entertain and I love to cook, however, since moving to rural NC in 2005, I have lost my desire to ever hostess another Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey is too cumbersome (little turkeys need not apply); the zillion side dishes; the dessert table left with half-eaten desserts; and the dreaded clean up. That’s right, I never want to do it again!
I still want to eat a good meal, so two options work for me:
1. Going to a good restaurant; tons of food and I did not have to cook it,
2. Going to friends, just as good, especially if they are good cooks. Again, tons of food and I did not have to cook it – that’s what we did yesterday.
In theory this works, but there is one small problem: no leftovers! The best part of Thanksgiving is the refrigerator full of comfort food leftovers. God bless the Huffington Post for providing two recipes last week that will help me with this year’s fake leftovers. Perfect leftovers include at least one specialty recipe and gravy to go with the turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. Terrible leftovers include jelled and/or whole berry canned cranberry sauce.
The first recipe was for Cranberry Conserve: a mixture of cranberries, pecans, cinnamon, orange juice and zest. I made this on Monday and placed in the refrigerator to wait until after Thanksgiving. We had a big spoonful in our oatmeal this morning, replacing the normal fruit and nuts.
The second recipe was for Greatest Gravy … Ever. It starts with turkey wings and ends with onions, carrots and celery; all to be set aside, so the broth can be made into gravy. I salvaged the discards and renamed them, leftovers. I will make the gravy tonight for dinner.
Another year of fake leftovers is off to a good start.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Cast of Characters: My Biological Mother
Annie Marie Russell, youngest daughter of the late Oscar Boyd Russell and the late Matilda Snow Cheek Russell, died December 15, 2008 from complications of Alzheimer's. Her memorial service was held January 31, 2009.
“Sixty years ago today, Ann Marie turned sixteen and one week later, she gave birth to me," were my opening remarks.
One day when I was eight years old, Mommy (Jessie Butler) took me into her bedroom for a private talk. She explained about adoption and that she and daddy had adopted me. She explained about fifteen-year-old girls, young love and unchecked passion that sometimes became a ‘mistake’. She explained that some couples couldn’t have babies. She explained that fifteen-year-old girls are not prepared to raise a child on their own. God had provided adoption to help in situations like this. She told me that my birth mother was someone that I knew. My birth mother was Ann Marie Russell, who had come to visit us sometime. From that point on, I called her Ann Marie.
It is just this year (2009), following Ann Marie’s death, that I realized that I have had a shadow-life, as a result of that conversation. The characters of my shadow-life immediately began being introduced, when I was eight years old. As an adopted person, I would always have the family I had known since birth. They loved me and they were there for me; they were legal and real, never to be taken away. However, there were biological relatives, who could never be acknowledged in my mainline life. And in my shadow-life? Sometimes acknowledged, sometimes not! They could pass on the street and not speak.
Some people that became characters in my shadow-life, in addition to their roles in my mainline life:
• Edna and James Waters, from church, were Ann Marie’s sister and brother-in-law. Ann Marie had come from North Carolina to stay with them, while she was pregnant with me. They knew mommy and daddy wanted children, so they suggested that the Butlers adopt me. Edna and James and their five children were residents of both of my mainline life and my shadow-life.
• Sam and Mary Russell, also from church, were Ann Marie's brother and sister-in-law. Another couple added to my shadow-life’s cast. They had no children. Mary was killed in a freaky, bizarre auto accident. Sam later married Sadie, who I do not think that I have ever met. After, I had graduated high school and left Lakewood, they had a daughter, named Sandra.
• James and Mary Helen Russell lived across the street from us on Ashley Avenue. He was Ann Marie’s brother! They had five boys and one girl, Cynthia. Their children were younger than me, so we were not friends. In children’s lives 3 or 4 years seems like a generation. However, their children were the ages of my brothers, so the boys were in school together; played street games and sports together; and tortured poor Cynthia together.
• Louise was Ann Marie’s other sister. She and her husband lived in New York and had visited us, with Ann Marie on different occasions. Louise later married Randy Patterson, moved to Miami and they raised three sons.
This is strange, but Grandmother Matilda Russell existed larger than life in my mainline life. She had been hidden from me, but after my knowledge of the adoption, she gained equal footing with my other two grandmothers. She sent birthday and Christmas cards. She brought or sent packages of raw peanuts. Yes, brought! She would walk across the street from her son, James’ house to visit the Butlers and there was always a little package for me.
“Sixty years ago today, Ann Marie turned sixteen and one week later, she gave birth to me," were my opening remarks.
One day when I was eight years old, Mommy (Jessie Butler) took me into her bedroom for a private talk. She explained about adoption and that she and daddy had adopted me. She explained about fifteen-year-old girls, young love and unchecked passion that sometimes became a ‘mistake’. She explained that some couples couldn’t have babies. She explained that fifteen-year-old girls are not prepared to raise a child on their own. God had provided adoption to help in situations like this. She told me that my birth mother was someone that I knew. My birth mother was Ann Marie Russell, who had come to visit us sometime. From that point on, I called her Ann Marie.
It is just this year (2009), following Ann Marie’s death, that I realized that I have had a shadow-life, as a result of that conversation. The characters of my shadow-life immediately began being introduced, when I was eight years old. As an adopted person, I would always have the family I had known since birth. They loved me and they were there for me; they were legal and real, never to be taken away. However, there were biological relatives, who could never be acknowledged in my mainline life. And in my shadow-life? Sometimes acknowledged, sometimes not! They could pass on the street and not speak.
Some people that became characters in my shadow-life, in addition to their roles in my mainline life:
• Edna and James Waters, from church, were Ann Marie’s sister and brother-in-law. Ann Marie had come from North Carolina to stay with them, while she was pregnant with me. They knew mommy and daddy wanted children, so they suggested that the Butlers adopt me. Edna and James and their five children were residents of both of my mainline life and my shadow-life.
• Sam and Mary Russell, also from church, were Ann Marie's brother and sister-in-law. Another couple added to my shadow-life’s cast. They had no children. Mary was killed in a freaky, bizarre auto accident. Sam later married Sadie, who I do not think that I have ever met. After, I had graduated high school and left Lakewood, they had a daughter, named Sandra.
• James and Mary Helen Russell lived across the street from us on Ashley Avenue. He was Ann Marie’s brother! They had five boys and one girl, Cynthia. Their children were younger than me, so we were not friends. In children’s lives 3 or 4 years seems like a generation. However, their children were the ages of my brothers, so the boys were in school together; played street games and sports together; and tortured poor Cynthia together.
• Louise was Ann Marie’s other sister. She and her husband lived in New York and had visited us, with Ann Marie on different occasions. Louise later married Randy Patterson, moved to Miami and they raised three sons.
This is strange, but Grandmother Matilda Russell existed larger than life in my mainline life. She had been hidden from me, but after my knowledge of the adoption, she gained equal footing with my other two grandmothers. She sent birthday and Christmas cards. She brought or sent packages of raw peanuts. Yes, brought! She would walk across the street from her son, James’ house to visit the Butlers and there was always a little package for me.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cast of Characters: the Adoption Side
I recently put old Playbills up for sale on eBay, and as I looked through them, I found the most impressive thing about them was their cast of characters. For Playbills, it’s the name of the person acting or directing that determines the value of it, as a keepsake.
We have characters that come in and out of our lives, making an impression, leaving their mark; sometimes good, sometimes bad. As my story unfolds through this blog, I thought it might help you to follow along if I gave you my cast of characters. I decided to break the list into at least two parts, maybe more by the time I am done. We will see.
In the 1950’s, the standard grade school reading curriculum involved a series of books featuring the typical American family: mother; father; a son, Dick; two daughters, Jane and Sally; a dog, Spot and a cat, Puff. The image was confirmed by the mid-50s television programming: Father Knows Best, Leave It to Beaver and The Donna Reed Show.
As I was growing up, except for the dog and cat, I felt that I lived a life close to those images. I had a mother and father. He went to work everyday and she stayed home to take care of me. They did not want me to be raised alone; for fear that I would become spoiled. Since they were unable to have children (I was adopted), they became part of New Jersey’s Foster Care System.
From that system, I have three lifelong brothers and some others that I was fond of, but I have lost touch with them, for almost fifty years.
My Parents:
• William Henry Butler (1915-2000), second of seven children, his mother, Minnie Lee – I have her middle name. Three of his siblings were regulars in my life, Uncle James (and his wife, Aunt Ann), Uncle Vincent and Aunt Marie.
• Jessie Elma Butler (1903-1976), fourth of six children, her mother Rachel. Jessie’s siblings were a part of my life because they were all in the ‘north’ Her sister, Aunt Meme and her four brothers, my uncles, Chauncey, Edward, Milton and Howard.
• Gloria Wilder Butler, my adopted stepmother still lives in Lakewood, NJ and we talk every few months. She has a son, James, who lives near her with his wife Annette and their son, James, Jr.
My Brothers:
• Chester Lee Henderson, foster brother, came to live with us when he was six months old and I was four. He lives in California with his wife, Enriqueta.
• Clifford Paul DeChalus, foster brother, came to live with us when he was six weeks old and I was nine. He lives in New Jersey with his fiancé, Aretha.
• Jay Jamison Butler, adopted stepbrother. Even though he came to live with us when he was 10 days old and I was seventeen, his adoption did not go through until after mommy died, so Gloria is his legal mother. He lives in North Carolina (2 and ½ hours away), with his wife, Tracy and their three children, JJ, Raven and Caleb.
Other Foster Children: if you know them, please try to connect us
• Deborah Dunn
• Maurice Lewis
• Barbara Howard
• Valerie Howard
Extended Family: to be filled in later
We have characters that come in and out of our lives, making an impression, leaving their mark; sometimes good, sometimes bad. As my story unfolds through this blog, I thought it might help you to follow along if I gave you my cast of characters. I decided to break the list into at least two parts, maybe more by the time I am done. We will see.
In the 1950’s, the standard grade school reading curriculum involved a series of books featuring the typical American family: mother; father; a son, Dick; two daughters, Jane and Sally; a dog, Spot and a cat, Puff. The image was confirmed by the mid-50s television programming: Father Knows Best, Leave It to Beaver and The Donna Reed Show.
As I was growing up, except for the dog and cat, I felt that I lived a life close to those images. I had a mother and father. He went to work everyday and she stayed home to take care of me. They did not want me to be raised alone; for fear that I would become spoiled. Since they were unable to have children (I was adopted), they became part of New Jersey’s Foster Care System.
From that system, I have three lifelong brothers and some others that I was fond of, but I have lost touch with them, for almost fifty years.
My Parents:
• William Henry Butler (1915-2000), second of seven children, his mother, Minnie Lee – I have her middle name. Three of his siblings were regulars in my life, Uncle James (and his wife, Aunt Ann), Uncle Vincent and Aunt Marie.
• Jessie Elma Butler (1903-1976), fourth of six children, her mother Rachel. Jessie’s siblings were a part of my life because they were all in the ‘north’ Her sister, Aunt Meme and her four brothers, my uncles, Chauncey, Edward, Milton and Howard.
• Gloria Wilder Butler, my adopted stepmother still lives in Lakewood, NJ and we talk every few months. She has a son, James, who lives near her with his wife Annette and their son, James, Jr.
My Brothers:
• Chester Lee Henderson, foster brother, came to live with us when he was six months old and I was four. He lives in California with his wife, Enriqueta.
• Clifford Paul DeChalus, foster brother, came to live with us when he was six weeks old and I was nine. He lives in New Jersey with his fiancé, Aretha.
• Jay Jamison Butler, adopted stepbrother. Even though he came to live with us when he was 10 days old and I was seventeen, his adoption did not go through until after mommy died, so Gloria is his legal mother. He lives in North Carolina (2 and ½ hours away), with his wife, Tracy and their three children, JJ, Raven and Caleb.
Other Foster Children: if you know them, please try to connect us
• Deborah Dunn
• Maurice Lewis
• Barbara Howard
• Valerie Howard
Extended Family: to be filled in later
Friday, November 6, 2009
Facing End of Life ... and Health Care
Does end-of-life care prolong life or does it prolong suffering? Should it be a part of health-care reform?
End-of-life counseling would have been helpful for my family when we faced decisions about my aunt in the summer of 2008.
My aunt had been a bright, feisty, charming, full-of-life woman who had faced and conquered many challenges during her lifetime. By the summer of 2008, she was in final stage-Alzheimer's with a feeding tube going in and a Foley catheter going out.
When her husband and life-partner died in the mid-1990s, she started her way down the Alzheimer's path. In 1999, her sister moved her from Miami to rural NC, to ensure that she was looked after by a loving family member. A noble effort but it could not stop the ravages of Alzheimer's. My aunt continued to recede into childhood, so that by the summer of 2008, she was a bedridden infant. In final stage Alzheimer's she had little, to no, recognition of anyone. She did not even have the curiosity of a baby, all of her brain functions, almost completely gone.
The nursing home, despite their best efforts, could not turn her enough to prevent her heel from becoming infected. The infection would not heal. She had to be taken to the hospital for treatment. The hospital could not stop the infection, it was spreading into her ankle. She would lose her foot.
The trip to the hospital caused my aunt to stop eating. I have since realized that trips to hospitals for Alzheimer's patients are like pushing them down into a dark, frightening hole. A decision needed to be made. My aunt was in the care of the county, they had become her guardian in 2004, when her sister was unable to maintain my aunt's care. I believe the county policy was to not have a feeding tube inserted, however they knew that there was concerned family, so they called me.
My husband and I have instructed each other not to use extraordinary measures to keep either of us alive to live in a vegetative state. So our response was no feeding tube. I believe that my aunt, if she could have stepped out of her situation would not have wanted to be this body-attached-to-tubes. However, I did not feel we had the right to make that decision alone. So I told the county Social Services to check with others and I also told Social Services, that I would not argue if the other's decision was for a feeding tube.
Others wanted the feeding tube, so my aunt is alive today in something very close to a vegetative state. I understand she smiles occasionally and sometimes opens her eyes, when called. The hospital removed her leg above the knee to make sure the infection would not get into her body.
We faced the feeding tube question and as individuals, we had mixed feelings. I believe quality of life is important. Others think life in any state is important.
Ultimately God is in control. However, I think the only 'winner' here is the nursing home: they get her Federal Social Security check plus NC Medicaid payments, while providing minimal services.
As a fiscal conservative, I think this current health care system is speeding over a cliff, when the federal and state governments are paying big $s to nursing homes without any hope of some of the patients getting better! I would rather use that money to pay the health care costs for someone whose life would be improved.
Oh yes, to my original question: regarding my aunt's life, her end of life care is not providing her with quality life and it is not reducing her suffering, because she is not suffering. If anything, it is prolonging the suffering of those around her, who are reminded daily of her loss of vitality.
End-of-life counseling would have been helpful for my family when we faced decisions about my aunt in the summer of 2008.
My aunt had been a bright, feisty, charming, full-of-life woman who had faced and conquered many challenges during her lifetime. By the summer of 2008, she was in final stage-Alzheimer's with a feeding tube going in and a Foley catheter going out.
When her husband and life-partner died in the mid-1990s, she started her way down the Alzheimer's path. In 1999, her sister moved her from Miami to rural NC, to ensure that she was looked after by a loving family member. A noble effort but it could not stop the ravages of Alzheimer's. My aunt continued to recede into childhood, so that by the summer of 2008, she was a bedridden infant. In final stage Alzheimer's she had little, to no, recognition of anyone. She did not even have the curiosity of a baby, all of her brain functions, almost completely gone.
The nursing home, despite their best efforts, could not turn her enough to prevent her heel from becoming infected. The infection would not heal. She had to be taken to the hospital for treatment. The hospital could not stop the infection, it was spreading into her ankle. She would lose her foot.
The trip to the hospital caused my aunt to stop eating. I have since realized that trips to hospitals for Alzheimer's patients are like pushing them down into a dark, frightening hole. A decision needed to be made. My aunt was in the care of the county, they had become her guardian in 2004, when her sister was unable to maintain my aunt's care. I believe the county policy was to not have a feeding tube inserted, however they knew that there was concerned family, so they called me.
My husband and I have instructed each other not to use extraordinary measures to keep either of us alive to live in a vegetative state. So our response was no feeding tube. I believe that my aunt, if she could have stepped out of her situation would not have wanted to be this body-attached-to-tubes. However, I did not feel we had the right to make that decision alone. So I told the county Social Services to check with others and I also told Social Services, that I would not argue if the other's decision was for a feeding tube.
Others wanted the feeding tube, so my aunt is alive today in something very close to a vegetative state. I understand she smiles occasionally and sometimes opens her eyes, when called. The hospital removed her leg above the knee to make sure the infection would not get into her body.
We faced the feeding tube question and as individuals, we had mixed feelings. I believe quality of life is important. Others think life in any state is important.
Ultimately God is in control. However, I think the only 'winner' here is the nursing home: they get her Federal Social Security check plus NC Medicaid payments, while providing minimal services.
As a fiscal conservative, I think this current health care system is speeding over a cliff, when the federal and state governments are paying big $s to nursing homes without any hope of some of the patients getting better! I would rather use that money to pay the health care costs for someone whose life would be improved.
Oh yes, to my original question: regarding my aunt's life, her end of life care is not providing her with quality life and it is not reducing her suffering, because she is not suffering. If anything, it is prolonging the suffering of those around her, who are reminded daily of her loss of vitality.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Continuing the Journey
A major downfall in my life is personal organization. A major fear is that I will not get a handle on it and I will become a hoarder. I need assistance in determining what to keep. I also need help in developing systems for keeping track of the 'stuff'. Now I am channeling George Carlin; I do not want to be keeping track of 'stuff' that keeps track of my 'stuff'.
Enough rambling, the points of today's entry are personal and related specifically to this blog; I need to:
1- get organized; within two weeks I will define a regular schedule for blog postings
2- let go of fear, I will release thoughts without fear of your disapproval
3- just write, let the writing flow and sort it out later
okay?
Enough rambling, the points of today's entry are personal and related specifically to this blog; I need to:
1- get organized; within two weeks I will define a regular schedule for blog postings
2- let go of fear, I will release thoughts without fear of your disapproval
3- just write, let the writing flow and sort it out later
okay?
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